Separated from long-time love

[CBrown72]

My boyfriend and I had lived together for a while. While together, it was revealed that he had a problem with alcohol. We struggled with this, but always knew we loved each other. Things finally became too difficult to manage and I needed professional help to intervene. I took him home to be with his parents in hopes that there was something they could do. That turned out to be a bad idea, since denial is a big part of their family life. Needless to say, he did not get the help I was hoping for. Eventually he moved back in with me. The problem got worse. I tried everything. Eventually I had the opportunity to move a ways away in hopes of starting fresh. I gave him the option to come with me. He thought it would be good for him to get away from the element that was making it too easy for him to access alcohol. We discussed this for over a month and he was very excited at the possibility of starting fresh, finding a healthier lifestyle, and us being able to proceed with our relationship in a positive way. He moved me down south and then went back home to finish a few shows he had booked previously. He was to move back in a month. As time went on, he kept delaying the move. He promised me that he was still deeply in love, but different circumstances were delaying him. I found out that his drinking had gotten worse. I also found out that his parents were trying to convince him that I was not a good fit for him because they did not want him to move so far away. Eventually, we broke it off. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he had or ruin my chances at a good life. He said he loved me deeply, but could not control his drinking. I was heartbroken. We did not speak for about 2 months. He eventually got in touch with me and told me that the drinking was even worse now. His parents and him were fighting all the time and they were going to throw him out. His mom would get very angry when he spoke about me and kept saying I was no good for him. With that, their arguments were getting worse. He said he was sick of them using me as a scapegoat and that I was the only person who has ever believed in him and tried to help him with this problem. I am a kindergarten teacher and lead a very “normal” life. He was used to a hard-partying nightlife, as he worked as an entertainer in adult nightclubs. So, as for me being a bad influence, this was not correct. The issue was that if he left with me, he would not be with his mother every day. She has been suffering from a loss of his younger brother to heroin and she will not accept that rehab can solve any problems due to the past. He told me that he cannot stop thinking of me. He wants to talk to me, but family pressure stops him. He wants to be with me, but again, the drinking problem and his guilt over that. Once I realized how bad it was for him, I researched different rehab programs and found one that he was excited about. He refused traditional rehabs because he felt they were like prisons and didn’t do any good. This program was labeled a “personal retreat” at a Buddhist monastery and that really resonated with him. In addition, I found a great therapy program for him after he finished the personal retreat. He was thrilled with that because he was able to finally see a therapist and really touched on a lot of issues he had been burying, such as the death of his 10 day old daughter and our miscarriage. He was excited about that, but his parents refused to help pay for it. So that is when I stepped in with the personal retreat and therapy located near me. He was all for it. He would send me messages about how much he loved me and could not wait to be back with me. Recently, we spoke on the phone and he went into his overture of love for me and I was the most beautiful person in his life, and that I am the one person who knows everything about him and still loves him unconditionally. And after he professed all of that, I asked if he had visited the website of the monastery. And that I was excited that he was excited about getting himself help. And on that, he instantly changed his tune from “I love you and cannot wait to move”, to nervously saying that he was in a new relationship and wanted to see where that would go before he committed to me. I was devastated. I asked how he could change his tune in the same conversation. I asked how he could say he loved me and then tell me I was his back-up plan. He wouldn’t answer me, but I pressed him and he said he said it because he felt it but wanted to try things with the new girl. I asked him if this was it, just like January when he got cold feet and ran. He said yes, and hung up on me. He blocked me from everything and will not speak with me. He told me that he would never run from me again. He was really afraid of going to rehab. I reassured him that he would not go it alone. Although he would do the hard work, I would be there right by his side no matter what. Never alone. Now all of the sudden, when rehab is a reality, he drops me. For a much younger woman. I am 44, he is 41, and the new girl is 27. He has a habit of dating very young women because he told me he has nothing to offer a woman his age and younger women do not expect much from him. I am hoping that this is just a rebound. That he is so afraid of getting clean, that he ran from me because that is what he would have to do if he stayed with me. He chose to live in his parents’ basement and lose me, after living together for over a year, creating a baby girl, and a real adult relationship. He is filling his Facebook wall full of pictures of him and his new girlfriend and continuously saying how amazing she is and how happy they are. Is it possible he is not drinking as much as he was (bottle of whiskey a day) because of this new found love? Is he covering up the pain of breaking up with me? Is he trying to avoid dealing with the negative emotions? I am at such a loss. I would never have moved so far away without him. I understand if he is scared, but this is really frightening for me. I have spoken to a friend of his he has known for 20 years and a recovering alcoholic. She said this is what alcoholics do. They want help, but once they have to follow through, they run. She said it is common for them to jump into a relationship with another person quickly to forget their pain and the problem. She says that she believes he loves me a lot. ANd that he thinks about me. I need to know if their is any hope for a reconciliation. I am leaving him alone because I don’t want to seem needy or desperate. I told her that I love him more than anything and the offers for the retreat and rehab are there for him. She told me to give him time. That this is really hard for him and eventually the thrill of the honeymoon stage of that relationship will fade and real life will set in and it will be business (or drinking) as usual. I just cannot believe that he is really that head-over-heels for someone he’s only know for less than 2 months, especially after our intense and long relationship. Does anyone have any insight into this? I am so heartbroken. I do believe he is my soulmate. I believe I am that for him too. I know there is a lot of pressure on him from family, but he is old enough to see through that and make his own decisions. Please. I don’t want him to die and I believe that is going to happen within 10 years if he doesn’t get help. What can I do? Does anyone see any hope for us? Please help…I love him…Thank you!

[FionaM]

I’m sorry to see you dealing with such an overwhelming situation. I think I counted about 20 different questions in your post. If you could ask one question about this situation, what would it be? This would be a great start. This will help the community respond to you more easily.

[CBrown72]

Thank you for responding Fiona. I know I have so many unanswered questions and it must be maddening for people to talk to me. I know I have to let go of the “Why’s”. Those will probably never get answered. He probably doesn’t even have answers to them. So, I suppose the question is, “Will he come back to me one of these days?” Thank you for helping me focus on the only question that really matters at this point. I appreciate it! 🙂

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