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Hi everyone,
My name is Laura and my date of birth is February 17, 1981. I have a few questions and I hope someone is able to help me. My husband and I want to purchase a home, we found a really great house that everyone seems to agree is the perfect house for us. We are unable to purchase it on our own so my father-in-law has offered to help us, if he can. My questions are, will we get the house? Will he be able to help us? What are his hang-ups about helping us (if any)? What can we do to make this happen? What can we do to assure him that we truly appreciate what he has offered to do? How does he really feel about helping us and how does my sister-in-law really feel about it (we have had trouble with her in the past, but things seem to be getting better between us)?This is tough because I want to help you with my insight but don’t want to insult anyone who is well meaning. I had to come back to this one. I didn’t answer it right away because I wasn’t certain how to approach it. There are way too many people involved who are going to feel ownership of you and this house whether it is deserved or not.
I feel someone will be getting in over their heads and some feelings are going to be hurt. If you don’t value your privacy, you don’t mind being told what to do with the house and yard; you don’t mind surprise visits/uninvited guests on several occasions (even if you tell them to call first and they say they will-they wont)and if you don’t mind having one or more of your in-laws living with you in the future possibly until they die, I say go ahead. If you are a very private person who values their independence then only get what you can afford within you and your husband’s means.
This isn’t bad news. Some people are very close to their in-laws/family and they love people coming over all the time. Others are private and proud. If you are like me and like a lot of people around and feel a sense of responsibility to family and feel it is appropriate to care for an elder family member in your home this may be the way to go.
What this boils down to is how close do you want to be to family and how much advice do you want from them. I feel if you do this you will not be left alone. I get a warm sincere feeling when I focus in on your father in law. I also see him living with you out of necessity in the future although he doesn’t know it yet and wouldn’t believe it now if you told him it was a possibility.
Thank you Candice. I read one of your replies to someone and debated whether to ask you for your insight, but you beat me to it 🙂 Some of what you revealed, is what I’ve been suspecting. The unannounced visits and so on. I get a very strong sensation that it is my sister-in-law you are referring to when you mentioned some telling us what to do with the house and yard. How big of a role will she play in all this, will it further hurt our already…how should I put this, unstable/delicate relationship? The last thing I want is hurt feelings or problems because of this. We had a big hurtful mess with my husband’s family (mom, dad and sister) after we got married almost six years ago and I want to do all that I can to avoid any situation like that.
My father and mother-in-law just yesterday asked us to move in with them…to be perfectly honest with you, neither of us wants to do that. I told them that I would be happy to visit more often and help them out, but we really don’t want to live with them. I can only see problems if we live with them.
You also mentioned that my father-in-law would be moving in with us in the future out of necessity (do you mean if we get the house, or in general-regardless of where we live?)…I’m having trouble understanding that because we are not as close to him as my sister-in-law and her family is. I don’t know what to make of it. I love him (and my mother-in-law), I just dont’ want any problems or hurt feelings when all is said and done.
A couple last things if you don’t mind, Candice: is there a polite way to establish some type of (for lack of a better word) “ground rules” to avoid these potential problems (hurt feelings, etc), before we accept help with the house? I mean, can we stress that we are not keen on surprise visits beforehand and that we have our own ideas for the house and yard? Is there a way we can politely ask what are the expectations/strings attached that come along with the help they are offering? Also, I know that we will be indebted to my father-in-law for his help but, the idea of people feeling as if they own us and the house (because of this possible assistance) really concerns me, (again, I’m seeing my sister-in-law especially feeling this way)is there a way that we can all amicably, but clearly and firmly agree beforehand that that will not/is not the case? I wouldn’t want to offend anyone, but as I said, I would like to avoid problems/concerns that could arise down the road.
Finally, in what way will someone be getting in over their heads? Do you mean financially (do you see us being able to comfortably make the mortgage payments) or with renovations/remodeling (or something of that nature)? Again, thank you so much for your insight, we are seriously agonizing over this.
UPDATE: Someone else made an offer on the house and it was accepted. It’s kinda disappointing, especially since my husband was so excited about it (I had never seen him that excited about anything) but I guess ultimately, it just wasn’t meant to be.
Getting the house might still be an option, does anyone see anything regarding this situation?
I will be more specific now. Please understand that it is my intention to help people not hurt or insult anyone unless it cant be avoided. I get very strong feeling that if anyone helps you no matter what principles of privacy respect, common courtesy or the fact that a gift is a gift and that you cant own people, etc,etc…. They will feel like they own you. Okay here goes…
Psychically, I get a strong sense that any “help” you get is simply an investment in their future. If health or financial problems arise with the in-laws, they will feel it quite appropriate to move in and make themselves quite comfortable, possibly even requesting the master bedroom, your bedroom. Sister in law (in whom I do not trust) wants them to help you buy the house so she isn’t obligated in the future to have them move in with her. She is close to them but more like a little girl than a woman.
As I focus in on you, I get the distinct feeling that you are a private person and although you are willing to help, you want to call the shots. I don’t blame you. Especially in light of the problems of the past. I get a strong sense your sister in law has not changed much in 6 years. She will use any criticism of the house and yard to talk sharp to your face and behind your back and stir up stress and worry with her parents. Now, if you decide to be independent and not move in with in-laws and not have them help, you will still be subject to some petty self-pitying comments but that will be better than what you will ensue if you accept help or live with in-laws. The less material ties the better.
Though independent you have a tendency to be too nice or to not want to make waves. Now is the time to set the groundwork for your future happiness by doing what is appropriate for your piece of mind. Otherwise, you will be overwhelmed in the future with things that are a clear breach of your dignity that you wont have the guts to speak out against. It could even cause serious problems in your marriage.
Candice, thank you so much for your very accurate insight. What you said is something that we strongly suspected, but needed confirmed. Though excited about the prospect of the in-laws assistance, we knew there would be a catch, a big catch, so we are not at all surprised by the information you offered us. Everything you said is very, very accurate, especially about my sister-in-law.
I would love to have a real relationship with them, but it is very difficult when dealing with people who pride themselves in being set in their ways. I know they think that I’m not good enough for their son/brother, how can I prove myself worthy, or should I even bother? I know that they do not respect me, is there anything I can do to earn it? How can I stop them from being so critical and judgmental of my husband and I? My fear is that there will always be awkwardness between us all which they blame solely on me, I just don’t understand…
Also Candice, if you would be so kind as to help me once again, earlier, I posted a question on here about a possible pregnancy for us. We’ve gone through 7 years of infertility, one miscarriage, one preterm birth (which resulted in the loss of our daughter, Enigk) and another (almost) 2 years of infertility. Can you see what the cause of this infertility is, by any chance, I’ve seen many doctors, all of whom have given me different diagnosis. Spiritual Vortex was kind enough to offer me their insight, but I would also love your insight. Is there anything I can do to get pregnant again (besides the obvious, lol)? A psychologist who happens to be my sociology professor offered that I have to bond with a baby girl in my family, who would have been 2 months apart from my daughter, in order for me to conceive, is this really what I must do? I know that I will get pregnant, but I am growing very impatient/frustrated and would like to know how soon till I conceive, will my prescribed medication (clomid and/or metformin) help with the conception, and if the pregnancy will result in twins or triplets, thank you once again, you have helped me in ways that I shall be forever grateful 🙂My sense I see a bossy female. She is jealous of you. She doesn’t totally accept you but more about her than you. You will have some drama with her if you take help. I would accept help but expect fireworks. She will not tell you why she is snippy. I see passive aggressive and hair flipping time lol. I see FIL as an older man with good intentions. He doesn’t always think before he acts though. He will think he has something to say about what you do but he means well.
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