cycle of emotions

[honeymoon]

hi. my life has ultimately been really difficult for me. i wont lie, i have a good life, a supporting family, financially okay, great friends, but some things i realize is just that i can’t get my thoughts away from my past. at the time, (a year and a half ago) i believed i was in love with a guy… he was my first real crush or attraction, the first guy to come to me seriously, he was and still is a greek god on earth, he is beautiful, charismatic, charming, and the person i wish i never met. he ruined everything. he took my innocence away from me and not, he simply took my dignity without actually doing it. there is a lot i could say about him, but it makes me frustrated and upset. i was truly head over heels for him and he used me. i was completely clueless and hurt. i moved on to other guys who ended up hurting me too. ive always been hurt by men or guys or whatever. they always find out about my past with the first guy and because they’re all acquaintances, they leave me like i was nothing. im not over exaggerating when i say these guys made it seem like they really cared about me, their actions and words prove it. how could it be that you can leave someone just because of their past (which was not even as bad as they make it seem) i really just feel hurt, confused, and again hurt. i feel really really sad all of the time wondering about how it could of been. i see these guys everywhere- the gym, school, and around town. songs remind me of them, working out reminds me of them, almost everything. because for a part of my life these 4 guys were a huge part of my life and revolved around it everyday and waking hour… i just find it hard to live with myself even though it really was not that bad it just affected me a lot and still does. i eat healthy, work out, focus on school, and then i get a wave of this feeling and it throws me completely off. honestly, it is not just this that makes me feel like this it is a combination of events in my life. I am unable to go to a therapist/psychiatrist and this is my only hope. i would drink lots during those periods and smoke now even though it is so bad for me, i do it for at least a second of relief. i will gladly be willing to give more details to anyone about this so you better understand whats going on. i really just need a stranger to talk to because my friends and family do not understand. thank you to anyone who reads this whirl of confusing sentences, but that depicts what i am feeling like inside. lots of love to all. thank you.

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